The Manchester Enterprise
A Heritage Newspaper
Weekly Publication
Surviving the teen years
School administrator offers parenting tips
By Alana West, Special Writer
PUBLISHED: February 8, 2007
Somewhere between controlling your child's every move and permitting every kind of behavior lies the fine line of supportive parenting.
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"In supportive parenting, we are raising adults, not kids. We are trying to have our kids become independent. We want them to grow into adults," said Saline Middle School Principal Nic Cooper, who spoke to a group of about 50 parents Jan. 30 at the Manchester High School auditorium.
Cooper, who has co-written the book "How to Keep Being a Parent When Your Child Stops Being a Child," was invited by the Manchester Middle School Parent-Teacher-Student Association to speak about his book, and the issues of adolescence.
Independence happens in a series of steps, which begins with transitional independence, Cooper said.
"That's when they disagree with whatever you say. Does that sound familiar?" Cooper asked. "You can say 'The sky is blue today.' And they say, 'No, it's not. There's a cloud up there.' Those things can become a war sometimes. But they're trying out independence, and they're not very good at it."
Independence really means making good decisions, he said.
"But initially, they are pushing away from you," he said.
Cooper said parenting is a series of goodbyes.
There is increased family conflict when children start pushing their parents away, he added.
"It doesn't mean you go away. It doesn't mean you don't feel hurt. You are losing something. You are losing your little girl or boy, but you have responsibilities here," he said.
Those responsibilities include giving your child support, safety, structure, intimate communication and values.
"Even if they don't say, 'I love you, too,' don't stop saying it to them," he said.
Cooper said most anger stems from hurt feelings or being afraid.
"If you understand that, you can gain some control against it," he said.
Cooper told the parents to remember how they felt when they first entered middle school.
"What was it like? What was on your mind?" he asked.
Theresa Herron remembered she had just moved to the community where she would be attending school. She also remembered the clothing she was wearing, a hooded sweatshirt with a plaid design.
"It was the coolest (shirt) I had," she said.
Nora Baskins remembered the division of cliques within her school.
"There were the 'Townies' and the 'Burbies,'" she said, and continued through a list of others.
Judy Jacovetty said her school, which began with the first grade and ended with eighth grade, never divided into a middle school.
"This is going to be a new experience for me," she said.
"I didn't hear anybody say they were wondering about whether they were going to be conjugating verbs at the school," Cooper said. "What's on our minds was 'Where are my friends?,' and 'Am I going to fit in?'"
He said kids today have many of the same thoughts.
"Have you ever watched an adolescent dress for school? It's interesting –– and alarming," he said, adding that his daughter enjoyed pairing stripes and plaids when she was growing up. "She was trying on an identity."
Cooper said he could have told her to change into something else, but it was part of her strategy for independence, and she needed to try it out.
When they are trying things out, however, their safety is vital.
"Two important things (though): They don't understand their own mortality and they have a hard time judging risks. That's the truth about adolescence," he said.
"They don't make the connection that there are dangerous things (out there)."
He said during his own adolescence his friends pretending to drink hair tonic, which is poisonous. He thought they were really drinking it, and when it was his turn to try it, he took a real sip.
"It didn't make sense to drink it," he said, adding that he knew it was poisonous.
But he took a drink anyway because he thought everyone else was.
"Parents' disapproval is the No. 1 thing that keeps kids from using drugs. Make sure they understand this. It's very important," Cooper said. "The first time you see it, they've been doing it about two years.
"It will happen in middle school, and go on to high school."
Cooper said kids in middle school are naturally concerned about issues that affect society.
"Give them a cause like social injustice and they will be compassionate about it. We need to look at that, help them with that growth," he said.
Cooper ended with the words: "Guide them. Help them understand what's going on. Love them all the time. Listen and understand them. Don't take them away from the natural struggles they are going to have."
Cooper has a bachelor's degree in psychology from Wittenberg University, a master's degree in counseling from Western Michigan University and a doctorate in educational leadership from Eastern Michigan University.
He and his wife, Jane, lived in Manchester for 28 years with their daughters Sara, 25, and Angela, 27, and recently moved to Saline.
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